birthdays (not mine) and thoughts (these are mine)

it's wierd. i had to write the date a million times today... on all the slips for the lobstermen, the bait inventory; the lobster inventory etc... and everytime i wrote it i thought some variation of "shit, today is jasen's birthday" the wierd part is this morning when i woke up and wrote the previous entry about how happy i am and wrote about jasen, i didn't even know what the date was. i was still half asleep but was compelled to think about jasen. ok. hippie moment but i was feeling some energy vibes or something.
what i thought about was his birthday 2 years ago. we were in maine med. his whole family was there and then some left. his brother bought him this crazy gas powered remote control beast of a car. it cost $400 or something and i remember thinking, damn, we could use that money for the kids, or the bills or something because neither of us had worked for almost a month at that point. he went outside with his brother and someone else, maybe jerad? they played with that car around the maine med parking lot and snuck him beers and smoked a joint with him. i waited in the room with his sister-in-law and other family and was so worried. worried that he would fall out of his chair or get angry at seeing the outside even if it was just the parking lot or have an accident as he had no control of any body function... i was scared for him to return because i knew he would feel sad and i was still unsure wholly how to sit with his sadness and not try to fix it.
what i think now i shouldn't have cared how much the car cost or if the doctors would find out he got high in the parking lot and drank coors light. it was his birthday. and he deserved whatever moments of happiness and normalcy as he could get.
it's strange to be writing about jasen. it is a part of my life i still keep pretty close and deal with frequently. it's nice to feel that i am letting go.